by Father Thomas D. Doesen, O.P.
Permission has been given by St. Paul’s Printer for the reproduction of this essay which appeared in its Fall, 1990 edition.
It is no secret that stress and burnout are high among professional ministers. Priests, religious, and lay professionals need at times to get out of ministry for their own well-being and to get in touch with their own dependencies. Priests are in the top listings of professionals with alcoholic addiction. The present-day minister struggles with human dependencies and addictions which bring persons to a dysfunctional level of service. Henri Nouwen says that we are wounded healers and that sometimes the minister is more wounded than healer. “Physician, heal thyself” is whispered by some of the confused congregation, but greater numbers in the assembly empathize with a more human condition. Men and women are getting professional help in residential treatment centers, private counseling, and support groups. Dependency and addiction are commonplace for today’s ministers. C. S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves says that the problem with ministers is that they treat the people they minister to as “other.” This failure is making ministry less workable. The minister need not be a barefoot cobbler.
This paper will look at addictions and the minister. (In this text I use the words dependency and addiction interchangeably; this will become more obvious to the reader as the behavioral dynamics are explored.) Granted that we are part of an addiction culture, the minister falls prey to it more often. The men and women in ministry are people-oriented persons; some of the most perceptive and insightful members of the population are in ministry. They are insightful and perceptive not only of others and themselves but of life itself. This latter visionary quality can cause much anxiety and insecurity. The primal angst of life’s meaning can bring great stress to the ministry professions. Teaching and preaching daily, these people live what many people would only think of at times of birth, death, or personal crisis. This type of stress and intensity makes ministers prime targets of addiction. The minister is granted trust by many to know their secrets, deepest feelings, and hidden thoughts. Because of intimacy, the minister carries the confidences of hundreds all at one time. It is rather easy for the minister to meet the needs of the others and to neglect his or her own. Ministers can become victims to their own intensities.
Four terms are used in this paper talking of addiction. They are independent, dependent, codependent, and interdependent. Independency and codependency are both unhealthy. The reader needs to know that anyone can be part of all four at once. The healthiest movement is always toward chosen dependency and interdependency.
Codependency
Many times the minister comes from a codependent background and unknowingly continues the dynamics in ministry. Adult children of alcoholics are common codependents. The traits of codependents are closely connected with the minister. The codependent is:
1. usually a very good person, valuable to society, and often ends up in the helping professions. (One study shows 83% of nurses were from alcoholic homes and the oldest children.) Codependents are nice and likeable people.
2. a victim of low self-esteem and self-worth and makes himself or herself indispensable to others. (In counseling, the codependent counselor gets angry at the dependent spouse rescuing the addicted spouse. That adds up to three dysfunctional addicts - the two spouses and the counselor.)
3. a good sufferer. These people make “good” Christians, martyrs, and so forth. The unspoken script of the codependent is “I’m good because I suffer so much. “
4. the first to volunteer; always wanting (actually needing) to be of service; always wanting it to be noticed that they are exhausted.
5. selfless to the point of hurting himself or herself. Psychosomatic illness is common in the codependent. Life becomes a pain in the anatomy. There is a need for aspirin, Bufferin, Preparation H, and so forth, in the beginning, and it can build to major medical care over years.
These five points can define a messiah complex in nonreligious terminology. A codependent is anyone out of a dysfunctional home; so this term codependent is generic: an embarrassing spouse, children, extended family members. Codependency even links emotional disabilities to unknown ancestors. So what is the codependent’s payoff? The people with whom the codependent interacts become dependent on the codependent; this way the codependent feels needed.
Naming the Addictions/Dependencies
Since ministers teach the gospel statement that the truth will set one free, denial of addictions should have little space to survive. But naming, claiming, and taming dependencies is very difficult because the dependencies are cunning, baffling, and powerful. There are two types of addictions: substance addiction and process addiction. Substance addiction is an element that can be and should be totally removed. Process addiction is something that will always be present, but needs to be lived with constructively and not destructively. This latter addiction is the thorn in the side of most ministers.
Addiction is an exaggerated pattern. Rigorous honesty is the key in reading the following lists. Twelve-step programs use the rigorous-honesty term, and this honesty often needs to come from outside the dependent. Until honesty is present, the dependent is a victim.
Some common substance addictions/dependencies are: alcohol / sex (casual or recreational) / caffeine / chocolate / nicotine / cocaine / heroin / refined sugar / gambling / marijuana / counter drugs / prescription drugs.
Some common process addictions/dependencies are: work or busyness / sex (casual or recreational) / negative memories / “prayer” and worry / eating disorders (boulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating) / religious fanaticism / sports (spectator or participant) / “collecting” dependent people / exclusive friendships / the Peter Pan syndrome / the Wendy complex / exercise / reading / attention-rejection-exhaustion / greed (compulsive spending) / control-power-manipulation / success-failure-competition / TV / sleep / anger-guilt-depression / self-pity and co-pity / anger-denial-control.
Ministers are often addicted to ministry itself because they are so needed. To be human is to be dependent, but there is a healthy balance which ministers have an obligation to discern. All helping professionals have a responsibility to get their good feelings somewhere other than their clients. Ministers must know their dependencies well in order to minister effectively. It is so easy for ministers to project what they themselves need onto someone else. Really soon - because of the ministers’ addiction bent - feelings get very muddled and quality ministry is endangered.
Ministers are constantly dealing with others’ feelings and can stuff their own. These stuffed feelings can come out as body illness or inappropriately elsewhere. For example, for ministers to get charged up in anger with the client, or with the client’s oppressor, or the client’s anger at the Church, or the client’s anger at government, and so forth, is easier for them than claiming their own inner anger, guilt, or whatever. Granted that these feelings of the client may be very real, still the “dance” of the dependent minister may be to a different tune than the client is trying to play. It is as if one is fox-trotting and the other is doing the waltz.
Choosing Our Addictions/Dependencies
Dependencies are a given to our human condition. Ministers should be model addicts by example; this is where the newer holistic spirituality models can be most helpful. Ministers need to choose daily, healthy dependencies. To list a few: time alone, prayer, reflection, physical exercise, support groups, non-ministry-oriented hobbies and/or friends, and nonprofessional reading. Healthy ministers continually expand and deepen throughout life -this is an integrating process. Unhealthy ministers fragment and splinter themselves to meet their needs of dependency and take a flock of disciples along. Healthy ministers need both to master and be mastered; unhealthy ministers either master totally or become totally mastered. Remember, extremes mark the unhealthy dependent personality.
Often unhealthy ministers want to be appreciated (needed) for their wealth of knowledge, fund raising, generosity, cleverness, organizational skills, virtue, leadership, and so forth. None of these qualities can be considered intrinsically wrong, but the ministers’ control of them can take away even God’s freedom of their use. This is not to say that good is not accomplished by addictive ministers; it is. The problem usually is the unhappiness of the ministers and not always the results of their ministry. In our Church many of the most rewarded ministers are the most unhealthy addicts.
The Codependent Cast Of Characters
The alcoholic home has taught us much about unhealthy dependencies and the roles the members fall into. The minister may often come from a dysfunctional home that is not necessarily alcoholic. The family characters are listed in their usual order. Often the minister is one or more of these characters. Maybe the minister played out one role as a child, a different one as an adult, and maybe even a different role in his/her professional life. When there is a dependency in a home, the whole family system is dysfunctional. No one escapes and everyone is affected. Those various persons may be described as follows:
The dependent (usually a spouse) is the one using the substance around which the whole family unit rearranges itself. The family’s individual needs and feelings are not met because of denial, guilt, and anger.
The enabler (usually a spouse) feels responsible for everyone’s feelings. The enabler usually tries to keep peace, save face, and guard the family secret. The enabler makes ends meet financially and emotionally. The enabler needs to control and needs to be needed. This person thrives on exhaustion.
The hero (usually the oldest) tries to keep the family secret by looking good at school, work and so forth. This can be in sports, honor societies, and so forth. The hero is organized, responsible, and mature to extremes. The hero is a doer - cannot stop doing. The hero suffers from fear, loneliness and stifled anger.
The Scapegoat (often the second child) is prickly and hard to get along with; he or she appears to be the family problem. The scapegoat often chooses wild friends, gets pregnant in teen years, breaks the law, and gets into substance addiction. Traits of the scapegoat are very difficult and frequently impossible to understand.
The lost child (usually the third in birth) often uses isolation for self-protection; lives in a fantasy, quietness, and distance; wants to please at all costs; tries to be good but feels bad; has no opinions or feelings to speak of; never causes problems.
The mascot (often the youngest) laughs on the outside and cries on the inside; is clumsy, whimsical, and so forth, while trying to focus off the substance; is the clown trying to make the sad family better. This person is hyper, but lonely and scared. He or she is the family medicine man.
As ministers try to bring care to a family, the trap may snap and they can easily be caught and overwhelmed. Ministers must therefore have some knowledge of basic dependency dynamics, but, more than that, they should have a keen awareness of their own inner feelings and dependencies. They must know their own limitations and be able to say no and to judge when to refer clients. At such times they minister to themselves. If they do not take care to function at their best, they will be caught in self-pity and/or co-pity games.
The minister may say “this whole thing is absurd,” “too much analysis,” “my past is my past,” and so forth. Perhaps the minister is clean and emotionally balanced; that does not mean the parish staff, religious community, and/or office staff share that same wellness. Today more and more ministers are looking hard and long before taking a position. By the same norms, the employing staff are screening more before hiring. Many parish staffs are dysfunctional because they are closeting one or more unhealthy dependencies. Clinebell (Pastoral Care and Counseling) says that “spiritual vitality and health are contagious; it is caught more than it is taught.” Ministers look more and more for an environment of wellness if they themselves are well.
The Rocking-Chair Minister
Rocking-chair ministers are not on the porch waiting for someone to come and seek help; on the contrary, they are twice as busy as other ministers trying to get the gospel spread. “Rocking chair” - because interiorly they go back and forth like a rocking chair; their feelings and actions are all fuzzy and confused. Nevertheless, they are sometimes blatantly forceful people. There are several cycles of feelings and behavior that dovetail together. The following are some specifics of the “process addiction” mentioned above:
Unhealthy Process
Healthy Process
worry/“prayer”
affirmation/ownership/integration/letting go
anger/guilt/depression
anger/ownership/expression/letting go
attention/rejection/exhaustion
control/ministry assessent/service/letting go anger/denial/control
delegation
self-pity/co-pity
saying no
In the following stories, theologies or ministry models vary. But that is not the issue. The issue is the ministers’ inner world; that is, the ministers are not ministering to themselves even though, otherwise, they are very effective ministers.
Story A Father Jones worries about his people because they are so poor. They are doing better than they were before he came, and many of them tell him how much they appreciate his concern. He prays that God take care of this poverty and abolish it. Soon he finds himself angry at God for not curing the problem, angry at the insensitive bishop and at those in their posh offices for not prioritizing this; he is angry at the richer members of the parish because they are not removing the poverty from their own parish. Burdened with guilt for attacking God, the Church and his parishioners, Father Jones turns inward; depression and dullness set in and the cycle begins all over again. Father Jones is from a good small-business family that has been reputable in the community for generations. The cycle here is worry, prayer, anger, guilt, depression.
Story B Millie is in social-outreach ministry. She started a parish program and became deanery coordinator in this same area. Now she has founded the diocesan office for reaching out to teenage single mothers, runaways, and abused children. She holds a high profile with the media. It gets money for the project. She loves the attention and limelight, and she feels it is all for Jesus. When given Church honors and civic acclaim she rejects it all. Millie is torn inside between wanting to be noticed and disowning the recognition. She has been taking medicine for what her doctor calls exhaustion. Millie has tried to explain to her doctor that she is indispensable at this time; she will back off later when the time is right. Millie’s dad was an alcoholic, but he has been sober since she was in the first grade. The unhealthy cycle here is attention, rejection, and exhaustion.
Story C Tyler is one of those rare, always smiling ministers who do very well with youth. One of his personal goals for youth is sacred space. In both parishes where he has been, he had small, multipurpose rooms that served for recreation and worship space. In the one parish there was a room with a large wooden carved crucifix before the youth took it over; in the other parish, a family had donated a large crucifix in memory of their daughter, killed in a summer outing. In both places Tyler went rounds over the crucifix issue. Always pleasant, he demanded a risen Christ figure. He said we are about resurrection and not all this pain. “I believe it is Easter we are to remember; let’s not make our kids hold on to Good Friday.” Tyler escalated these issues to maximum polarization; the people became divided. Tyler had theologized his anger, stuffing it away, and used Christ to deny it; using his charism and position, he controlled the environment and won out. Tyler had been adopted at two months of age. His birth mother had neglected and abused him. He was raised in a healthy (functional) family since three months of age.
Story D Deacon Bernard loves to minister. He would be a priest, but he wanted a wife and family and left seminary in college. Bernard is very well liked by the people because he is so filled with empathy. Recently he has had several counseling sessions with Phyllis. At twenty-five years of age, Phyllis has finished two M.A. degrees - one in counseling and the other in theology. Phyllis is very angry with the Church about not being able to be a priest. During many sessions she has talked about how victimized she felt. Bernard shares her feelings; he has felt put off by the Church because he got married. Being ordained a deacon is okay, but he feels victimized also. Bernard and Phyllis are now in their sixth session. In counseling they talk about equal amounts of time on their feelings toward the Church. They both agree worship has become harder and harder. They feel they have been good for each other because they share so many of the same hurts. Bernard’s homelife is healthy and functional; Phyllis is from a gifted and wealthy family that seems equally healthy. The cycle here is one of self-pity/co-pity.
The theologies in these stories are issues, but not as much as the pain and hell these ministers are causing to others. The rocking-chair process addiction is not a matter of standing still; though moving, it is going nowhere. All these ministers are gifted and likeable people. These dependency stories are more subtle than that of the staggering drunk pastor or the power-hungry director of religious education, but their subtlety serves as a reflection on the movement out of addiction/dependent behavior.
These stories show some common process dependencies, but there are many more. The addict wants to be happy and unconsciously creates a world of “happiness” in which to survive. There are dependency processes not mentioned here peculiar to perhaps one person. The choices and combinations of dependencies are nearly infinite. Ministers are always in need of insight into themselves lest they run the risk of projecting their feelings and dependencies on the client.
Minister On The Mend
Ministers need to choose not rocking-chair but journey addictions. As they learn from and depend on healthy processes, they become peaceful within and freer to hear the true struggles of Jesus. The healthy processes that are most easily seen are to say no and to delegate. Both require much tact and articulation if everyone is to remain free. Sometimes the ministry can more easily be done alone; often other factors enter - such as community, collaboration, and identity - which should be considered and pondered. In any case, ministry always means community. Three more models are listed earlier under the Healthy Process column. Each of these ends in letting go.
A common slogan in twelve-step programs is “Let go-let God. “ Any healthy process will end in letting go. Jesus is clearly the model here. To let go (presuming the preceding steps are gone through), much reflection and healthy prayer time is needed. Ministers need time to digest each experience. This includes some time alone and some quality dialogue with what is commonly called theological reflection. A good minister has the ability to stand still. The old statement that moved many a minister was “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. “ Well, the same idle mind is also God’s workshop. Each minister holds the key to the workshop door. When one’s whole being is idle, the minister is able to again open himself or herself to caring for others. This means that the minister is caring for himself or herself as the first one to be ministered to.
Jesus The Dependent?
Jesus was human like us in all ways but sin; yet he was dependent on a home for being raised, dependent on scrolls and on people for his learning, and dependent on the elements of survival like food, warmth, sleep and friendship. The desert fast was Jesus pulling away from food and people to experience more. Jesus was definitely dependent on the human condition. “He emptied himself” as Philippians says; and yet, without abandoning his divinity, Jesus became enslaved to our human condition of dependency. He became all those things that take each of us to the threshold of addiction and dependency. Jesus became fear, doubt, loneliness, anxiety, and anger. These are not sins but feelings. It is in feelings that one touches the threshold of dependency. Jesus continually emptying himself is the movement from addiction. He did not fill himself with any substance to extreme. Jesus chose his dependencies. From the gospels those chosen dependencies seem to be friendship, the (Jewish) word of God, prayer, and telling the story (parable) plus living the story.
So Jesus’ dependencies are on a deeply human level but always more. Jesus was empowered with the Spirit and worked miracles of healing, but still had to experience emotional suffering and ultimately death. The addiction of power and control Jesus declined over and over. He did not want to be a king, a religious leader, or a political leader. He emptied himself; addicts try to fill themselves. Jesus holistically emptied himself. Flesh and bones like us, he did not even overly depend on his humanity. He lived and believed in his human condition and more. Jesus has the same faith in us for he was one like us.
Jesus was dependent on “one day at a time. “ This was living the model of the Father; for him being open and dependent upon the Father became a daily reality. The “daily bread” Jesus talks of is the daily portion of human and divine needs. Childlike Jesus was dependent on the human condition. True addicts/dependents become blind and their world gets even smaller. Jesus is not blind but tries to ever open us to the larger world that he called the “reign of God. “ Jesus is the model for the addict in the way he lived the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Three Areas Of Interdependence For The Minister
1. The minister in a support system
A support system means to have a world of peers. Being able to talk honestly and needfully, the minister opens up, allowing himself or herself to be the recipient of ministry. Ministry by its nature is a parent role. Therefore to be able to step out of that role into a peer relationship is crucial for wellness.
To seek support ministers cannot deny or toy with their dependencies. They need to be able to say “I need,” “I hurt,” “I’m angry,” and so forth. Even though these “confessions” need be made at times with clients, here it is a perspective of care for the minister. Here ministers make their addictions known in trust. Unhealthily dependent persons function under three unwritten rules: (1) Do not talk about the dependency; (2) do not trust anyone because in the long run they will hurt you; and (3) do not feel because feelings can only cause trouble or pain. With such a support system, ministers can appear arrogant or even pious. In a support system that offers freedom to talk and an environment of trust for articulation of feelings, ministers minister to themselves. Any aloofness starts to subside in the therapy of the support system. This is a form of interdependence.
Interdependence is very difficult to accomplish because it must be scheduled on a regular basis and it must seek a quality rapport with one or more persons. So many relationships (addictions/dependencies) are codependent: “You fix me and I’ll fix you. “ In interdependence the dependent lives “rent free” (as AA says) of guilt, manipulation, and shame.
Once the dependency is named and claimed, some of the twelve-step programs might be appropriate. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), narcotics anonymous (NA), sexaholics anonymous (SA), and adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) are support groups that meet regularly and are very good. For ministers with any of these addictions, weekly contact with the relevant group would be appropriate. Meeting less often than this is a form of denial to a given addiction.
Other support systems like clinical counseling might be in order. Seeing a counselor can help one to look at addictive behavior. Again, a weekly meeting would be appropriate for the same reasons of denial. A spiritual director can also be helpful. It is important that the spiritual director also be in spiritual direction. For the minister to ask for direction would be most helpful. If the spiritual director is not in direction, he or she is probably not conscious of personal dependencies in process addiction. Diocesan priests can have a support system in “Jesu Caritas” or “Emmaus” groups.
The interdependence support area affords intimacy that is constructive and articulate There must be a constant (weekly) point where ministers are vulnerable, candid, and open. Ministers need intimacy more than most people; they need to have their own needs met. The more pastoral responsibilities they have, the more difficult will be the problem of a support system that will work. Not finding such a system drives one right back into unhealthy dependency/addiction. This support system presumes skills of great openness, and it demands qualified supporters who are themselves in touch with their own dependencies. God will be part of this because “where two or more are gathered, I am there”; this gathering of support will be the human condition laid open, and this sharing leads to the divine.
Christianity itself is a support system not in theory only but in experienced reality. To be Christian is to be community. Ministers model Christian living at its best as they acquire ministry to themselves. There will need to be many sub-communities like support groups within the support system. For example, the substance-abuse minister may be in a “non-Christian” twelve-step program; still, the very dynamic is intrinsically Christian by the fruits that are produced.
The support system keeps (or even makes) the minister docile. Our Christian model of support is that the Master is always with us; no disciple ever becomes the master in Christianity. Christians are dependent on the Master. The minister lives this posture of the support system with a life of prayer. Prayer must be meditative and routine. Prayer must be daily. The minister will address Christ with “now I feel...” and be naked of all dependencies in his presence.
2. The Minister Using Humor As Healing
Somewhere in the ritual of each day, the call to play must come. Just as “Let us pray” is ritualized, so must “let us play” be said and done. Ministers take themselves too seriously. To have a sense of humor is to have a sense of healing. For some a sense of humor can get rough, laughing at another’s expense. Even if someone encourages being laughed at, discernment of the healing or hurting nature of humor is needed. Not all humor is healing.
The virtue that comes with levity is gentleness. If ministers can laugh at themselves in a gentle and affectionate way, the humor is healing. So often caught in addiction/dependency, ministers may smile at their shortcomings and say to themselves, “I’m not a saint yet,” and move on with life. Humor does not mean telling jokes or developing talks (homilies) that are funny or entertaining. Humor simply brings us to reality away from our world of illusion. Substance and process addictions do produce a world of illusion. Just watching TV commercials shows us illusions, humor and addiction. The problem with much in the media is that truth is not the main product being sold. Humor has truth at its core, and perhaps an exaggeration of that truth in humor can make a point of healing. An example of this might be telling a workaholic who is exhausted that you see no reason for him to sleep tonight: “I don’t know why you can’t work all night writing a major address for that group - you’d do it better than anyone else.”
Humor brings us to gentleness and reality; another quality is that of forgiveness. Sometimes in the healing of humor more forgiveness can take place than in more formal settings. A wink or kind facial expression can be the forgiving gestures of gentleness that a given moment may need. Humor is a way of recycling the minister in a very healthy way.
3. The Minister And A Sense Of Adventure
This need of interdependence is seen more readily in retired ministers, but it needs to be present all along the journey of development. Ministers in retirement can be the personified wisdom of God even (or especially) in their decrepit physical condition, or they can be Scrooge-like “humbug” people holding tightly to the past. The sense of adventure always is looking at the present and the future. Ministers can feel that “they owe me after all I’ve done for them. “ Addicted ministers often will want to cause their own early retirement (or death). In aged ministers it is still the world of extremes if addiction is present. In a sense of adventure there is a sense of tomorrow. Ever changing by an openness to grace, ministers can keep looking forward to more in their life. The life of unhealthy addiction/dependency always seduces one to become fixated. In the interdependence of adventure, ministers respond to and embrace the limited world of themselves and the limited world of their environment. Using personal creativity, ministers can become eternal students of life itself. Healthy ministers can be recognized here, with their level of interests always expanding. Self-improvement and education become an ever present sense of direction for them. They have a zest for life and a loving interest in others. Unhealthy ministers often scorn and condemn the life they see in healthy ministers. This can manifest itself in competition or gossip or both.
Ministers often live in their own professional world, a world no larger than the client’s care and working for the community. “All work and no play makes John a dull boy. “ John is not only a dull minister but an addicted minister. There is a flatness and pity that emerge when the sense of adventure is not maintained on a regular level. Some say that a minister should always be reading a secular novel (and that does not necessarily mean of the Andrew Greeley variety). Friends and hobbies that have nothing to do with religion are excellent for the minister. The priests’ poker club does not meet this need because “business” will always creep into the conversation. Ministers can feel lost when not known in some place for who they are or what they are - this is a good challenge to the minister. Ministers who are able to change through self-experimentation, self-denial, and self-ministry will find themselves flexible enough to grow in wisdom, age, and grace to the very point of death.
Conclusion
St. Augustine tells us that we are restless until we rest in God. There are many resting places on the journey of the minister that are anything but peaceful; these rest stops are often addictions. Satiated, confused, and disoriented, the minister quickly becomes less a minister than he or she would wish to be. These pages have looked at some cultural handicaps in order to help ministers to be more free of them. Ministers living their faith are likely to feel some anxiety and insecurity. In a highly possession-oriented society that measures life by production and consumption, ministers become models of freedom by living a simple, unattached lifestyle. The “product” is freedom in Jesus himself. Thus, even though most ministers are addicted, they have a world of choice in their dependencies. Those choices determine their personal happiness and effectiveness.