At the 10:15 a.m. “family service” the church has more congregants, about 30 on this same day in Lent. The priest stands in front of the central altar and delivers his sermon from the chancel steps. It’s Girl Scout Sunday, and he weaves in a tribute to the founder of the Girl Scouts as he preaches on the Gospel lesson. He tells people he’s directing his comments to two teens in the congregation, both Girl Scouts, and he names them because everyone knows them. The girls had chosen to worship at their home church despite an official Girl Scout gathering at a different church that day.

St. Paul’s organist had called out sick and cancelled the choir. The priest teases one parishioner that during communion perhaps she’ll hum for them? She doesn’t hum, but Jane Harlow, an older woman seated next to her and a choir member who came anyhow, stands up and sings three verses of her mother’s favorite hymn, from memory

The Kilbourn family members, prominent leaders and members for generations, sit up front, on the Epistle side.

At the end of April after 17 years, the parish priest — another Kilbourn — is going to retire, but the congregation isn’t worried.

James Kilbourn, the senior Kilbourn and a “grandfather” figure to others, says confidently, “We’ll be here!”

Welcome to St. Paul’s Church in Bantam, in the northwest corner of the state, where the word “family” takes on layers of meaning.

Size and structure

Using categories devised by researcher Arlin Rothauge, St. Paul’s is a “family size” church, often defined as 1-75 people. St. Paul’s had a 2004 average Sunday attendance of 46. Nation wide, about 47 percent of churches fall in this category.

But focusing on numbers leads people to underemphasize the unique qualities of each category

Theodore W. Johnson, in a 2001 book released by Alban Institute, Size Transitions in Congregations, argues that Rothauge’s categories (family, pastoral, program and corporate) refer instead to leadership structure, relationship style, and how people are added and incorporated into the church. Those elements are at the foundation of the church’s culture and each cultural style is attractive to different people.

According to Rothauge, the family-size church is led by matriarchs and patriarchs with the priest, usually part-time, serving as chaplain to the “family.” Rothauge levels no judgment for or against any of the styles, and the categories themselves have no hierarchy of quality.

The Rev. Canon Richard Nolan, St. Paul’s part-time vicar from 1974-1988 while also on the faculty of a nearby college, was deeply appreciative of St. Paul’s family-size culture.

“It’s not a grand, or wealthy, parish, but it’s spirited!” Nolan said with affection and conviction. “The height of my ordained ministry was at St. Paul’s. It taught me the value of small parishes and the value of part-time ministry. If I had to do it over again, I would want to be at a parish like St. Paul’s — part- time, small, and familial. Not in survival mode. And able to raise up an incredible lay ministry”

Another layer of family at St. Paul’s is the preponderance of the Kilborn/ Kilbourn family.

“It wouldn’t be St. Paul’s without the Kilbourns,” Nolan said.

When Nolan decided to retire, he phoned the Rev. Thomas L. Kilbourn, who had grown up in the parish — baptized, confirmed, and sponsored for ordination — and lived nearby. Kilbourn had a full-time job as an English teacher at a high school in Redding and had been considering a return to more active ministry He had been back to St. Paul’s as guest preacher during Nolan’s tenure. Yet, from his work in the 1980s as an interim, Kilbourn knew the importance of good boundaries.

“Initially he was very reluctant because he grew up in the parish,” Nolan said. “I told him he’d been away a long time and people would know him as an adult. And, the bishop would have to give his approval.”

Eventually Kilbourn accepted, the bishop made the appointment, and he was installed as vicar in 1989. (It was second time the parish had a priest who’d also been baptized there; the first was Hiram Stone who served 1875-1903).

The transition to vicar was short for Tom Kilbourn. At first, a few of the older people in the parish called him “Tommy,” as they had when he was growing up there. But it never happened again. He kept his full-time teaching job (which some parishioners say makes for rather didactic and intellectual sermons) and the congregation carried on St. Paul’s day-to-day ministry. A lay administrator serves the parish, the Rev. John Kenney joined the parish as deacon for a while, and later, the Rev. William Low became St. Paul’s liturgical associate.

Meeting the family

While there are certainly other families at St. Paul’s, with notable histories and contributions as well, it’s the preponderance of Kilbourns that catch a visitor’s attention. Kilborns settled in Wethersfield in the 1600s, and a Kilborn was asked by the king to survey land in what became known as Litchfield country. He was granted land there and the house he built still stands.

There are six Kilbourn families in the parish directory, with new generations coming along. Kilborns/Kil bourns hold, and have held, significant leadership positions in the church over the years.

In 1745, Samuel Kilbom was among the 13 founding members of St. Michael’s, Litchfield. In 1796, two Kilborns (including Giles Kilborn) were among 55 members of St. Michael’s who petitioned to become a separate Episcopal society. James and David Kilborn were among its first officers. Their first church was designed and built by Giles Kilborn.

Kilbourns stayed among the leader ship over the years.

An official history written for the parish’s 200th anniversary includes note of one marriage: James and Regina Kilbourn, who were married at St. Paul’s in 1949. It goes on: “Mr. Kilbourn has been a member of the parish since he was baptized here some 70 years ago and Mrs. Kilborn joined the congregation in 1942.”

Parishioner Mary Curtiss (Tom’s former babysitter) shared a childhood memory of how families are tied together in the family-size church.

“Our parents were so close. When my dad passed away, Jim and Regina took my mother and brother and me with them on their summer vacations to Cape Cod. [St. Paul’s] is a family unit in every sense of the word.”

The Rev. Thomas Kilbourn is the first Kilbourn to serve as priest. He started college at Norwich University in Vermont, headed for military service, but the death of his brother Roger in 1961 turned his world upside down. When he righted himself he began a life-long love of reading, starting with theology

“The death of my brother sent me inward,” he recalled.

After graduating from Norwich as an academic student, he entered seminary and took courses in theology and literature. He was ordained in 1967, then earned an M.Ed. in 1970. That year, he served at St. John’s, Stamford and taught at a junior high in Stamford. The next year, with the bishop’s per mission, he started teaching English at the Joel Barlow high school in Redding, where he met his future wife, Maureen, who now heads the school’s humanities department. Both still work there. Tom did supply and interim work over the years before his appointment as St. Paul’s vicar in 1989.

James Kilbourn, 82, a patriarch of the church who was raised on the original Kilborn land, and Tom’s uncle, said he was “thrilled” when Tom was appointed as their part-time vicar. He takes a broad perspective when asked about the church’s future after Tom’s retirement.

“Of course I’m concerned, because it’s a change, but we’ve done it before and will do it again,” he said. And he remains upbeat about the future. “Some say we’re done [as a parish] but we’re not going out of business,” he said.

Tom agreed. “We’ve got a pretty decent and faithful core,” he said. “There’s a very strong sense of volunteerism, and a broad ownership.”

Tom, now 65, knows that diocesan guidelines for departing priests require severing ties with the parish when they leave. He and Maureen enjoy worshipping at St. John the Divine in New York City and will look for a local church home and altar.

But family ties will trump diocesan guidelines in some cases.

“When Jimmy Kilbourn dies, if I’m still alive, I will have to be there, ” Tom said, firmly.”

—Karin Hamilton is director of communication & media for the Episcopal Diocese of Connecticut.