from the Trinity Reporter / spring 2007 (page 46)

Richard Nolan '59 and Robert Pingpank '59: Celebrating their Golden Anniversary

In the early 1960s, just as Richard Nolan and Robert (Bob) Pingpank, both Class of 1959, were finding their ways in the world, teachers in Connecticut were being fired for dancing the twist in public. Surrounded by repercussions such as this for anything out of the ordinary, Richard and Bob, who met their freshman year at Orientation, felt it necessary to keep their relationship a private matter for many of those early years. "Our relationship was at the center of our lives, but we had to figure out how to survive both the church and the state," explains Richard, an Episcopal priest. "We pretty much took it day by day."

Fifty years later, however, times have changed. On October 8, 2005, Richard and Bob held a public celebration marking their golden anniversary at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City. Among the many who filled the pews that day was Trinity President James F. Jones, Jr. "It meant a lot to us to have President Jones participate liturgically," says Richard, who explains that they never vocalized their relationship to others while in college. "I looked back on those years after Trinity as extremely difficult. Our major concern during that time was, 'How are we going to make this work?'''

Although the anniversary event was a personal triumph for the couple, it was also an important day for the gay community. In fact, since then, their West Palm Beach, home has welcomed ABC, NBC, and the BBC to film what the two perceive to be the most important aspect of their life together: the ordinariness of it all. "If people think there is an outrageousness to gay people's lives," says Richard, "then they are going to be terribly disappointed." The couple has begun archiving this everydayness on a Web site (www.nolan-pingpank.com), with categories ranging from vacation photos to Christmas letters to family histories.

Richard and Bob, both committed Episcopalians - and who thank Professor of Religion, Emeritus, Edmond Cherbonnier for offering in his teachings a "livable framework that affected both heart and mind" -express their life together using Christian metaphors. "While some people wallow in Good Friday and do nothing about their challenges or suffering, we choose to be Easter people. We move towards some victory, and we insist on that," Richard explains.

With admirable good-natures, the couple has managed to negotiate the numerous roadblocks and challenges of living in a gay relationship. After finishing his Ph.D. in religion at New York University, Richard accepted a position at Naugatuck Valley Community College and returned to Connecticut to be with Bob, who was teaching high school mathematics in his hometown of Thomaston. They decided to build a two-family house, because the insurance agent informed them that a policy could not be written for a single dwelling owned by two same-sex, unrelated people. Unperturbed, the couple lived in it alone and "felt triumphant." "We were finding ways. We were living with 11 rooms," says Bob, adding lightheartedly, "although I resented spending the money." They had, once again, found a way to make it work.

Although negotiating through the outside world often posed difficulties, the inner workings of their life together has been a much smoother road. "The relationship is so good, the chemistry is there," says Bob. "We have so many things in common. But on the other side of the coin, we're very different. We accommodate each other. Our highest priority has always been our life together. Our career, everything else, has always been secondary. And that works for us."

Now, at the age of 70, Bob and Richard still hope that one day same-sex couples will have full equality under the law. "It's going to be a long time before the general public can accept the word marriage," says Bob, acknowledging that there are over 1,000 legal benefits that married, opposite-sex couples have that they do not.

Yet, after 50 years in a deeply caring relationship, Richard and Bob focus their energy on maintaining their meticulous Florida home, while enjoying what they say Trinity offered them: a permanent education. It is, after all, the joy in learning every day together that has persisted despite all the rest.

by Carlin Carr