Friendship and St. Aelred
In the
1960s and 70s virtually all human relationships and behaviors were subjected to
random experimentation. That age challenged almost all that we assumed to be
good. We moved from an era of fate (when everything important seemed to
be unchangeable) to an era of choice (when most everything significant
seemed to be questioned, discarded or recast). A smorgasbord of moral options
emerged: some superficial, others well informed. We were again asking,
“How should we behave?" “What’s the right thing to
do?”
We
discovered that the recitation of carefully chosen Bible verses no longer had
persuasive moral power. Dietary laws and executing one’s misbehaving son
had long been set aside along with the regard of women as property. Also, we
listened sometimes impatiently to Jesus’ hard sayings (such as, "If your
right eye causes you to sin, tear it out..."). As precepts for daily personal
living, such counsel seemed neither convincing nor attainable.
However,
to perceive Jesus’ hard sayings as rules for daily behavior is to miss the
point; his profound contributions are elsewhere. For example, everything he
teaches in the realm of morality is designed to integrate outward behavior with
inner disposition. From him we learn that it is insufficient just to conform
outwardly to virtuous commands. Just "going through the motions," merely "going
by the book," is deficient; it lacks heart. Instead, good actions must be bound
up with appropriate motives, intentions, and loyalties. In this sense, Jesus'
teachings are radical. They get to the root of the matter: a
genuine orientation of the whole person toward God and the resulting harmony of
heart, mind, and will are expected. By implication, they bring into play the
necessity of God's grace for any of us to walk his demanding path.
Jesus
is not a philosopher designing an ethical system applicable to everyone
everywhere under all prevailing societal conditions. Even in the Sermon on the
Mount, he is not offering a seminar on applied ethics. In fact, neither he nor
the Bible directly address most of the unique problems arising from societal
and scientific developments of the current age. However, in Mark’s Gospel
read moments ago he provides us with a context for discerning moral options, a
version of the Summary of the Law. "Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God,
the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with
all your soul, and with all your mind. …. You shall love your neighbor as
yourself." By Jesus' own words "There is no other commandment greater than
these.” Or, as Matthew puts it: “On these two commandments hang all
the Law and the Prophets." This Summary is the only absolute commandment
upon which all else depends during our journey toward the fullness and
perfection of the Kingdom of God. All of Jesus’ moral counsel flows from
the Summary to particular circumstances. From him we learn that each of
us is under an obligation to promote the interests of the others with whom we
come in contact, whether at home or at work. Mutual love, unselfishness,
humility, equal regard, and generosity of spirit, all accompanied by God's
grace, are emphasized in all human associations. One might say that the
Christian life is the loving concern for the wellbeing of persons under the
inspiration of and devotion to Jesus and the ideals he personifies.
St.
Aelred, patron Saint of Integrity since 1987, was born in 1109 at Durham, and
was sent to the Scottish court for an education that would ensure his future as
a noble and courtier. He found success at the court of an earthly king
unsatisfying, and at the age of 24 he entered a monastery in Yorkshire. His
first work The Mirror of Charity deals with seeking to follow the
example of Christ in all things. He eventually became the monastery’s
abbot, a post which he held until his death twenty years later at the age of
57.
His
most famous work is called Spiritual Friendship which contradicted the
typical monastic rule that a monk should form no preferences or attachments,
even individual friendships with fellow monks. In many monasteries, where the
monks or nuns walk two by two into chapel or the dining hall or while pacing
about during the daily hour of recreation, the Superior would make a point of
constantly shifting partners, lest anyone form a liking for one person more
than another. This prohibition not only applied to friends, but also to
preferences in food. Against this view, Aelred wrote that it is compatible with
the highest degree of Christian perfection to take special pleasure in the
company of particular friends. He pointed out that Jesus loved John, and Mary,
and Martha, and Lazarus, and that this probably means that he found their
company particularly congenial. In his Mirror of Love Aelred wrote:
"It is in fact a great consolation in this life to have
someone to whom you can unite in the intimate embrace of the most sacred love,
in whom your spirit can rest, to whom you can pour out your soul, in whose
delightful company, as in a sweet soothing song, you can take comfort in the
midst of sorrow, in whose friendly bosom you can find peace in worldly
setbacks; to whose loving heart you can open as freely as you would to yourself
your innermost thoughts; through whose spiritual kisses, -- as by some medicine
--, you may draw out all the weariness of your restless anxieties. ….
"And lest this sort of sacred love should seem improper to
anyone, Jesus himself, in everything like us, patient and compassionate with us
in every matter, transfigured it through the expression of his own love: for he
allowed one, not all , to recline on his breast as a sign of his special love,
so that the head of one was supported in the flowers of the virgin breast of
the other; and the closer they were, the more copiously did the fragrant
secrets of the heavenly marriage impart the sweet smell of spiritual chrism to
their virgin love."
Throughout
the years friendship has been problematic in many cultures. Even today we tend
to raise an eyebrow when we see two people of the opposite or same sex sharing
an emotionally intimate relationship. Some assume that if the friendship is
that deep, sexual expression is inevitable. Aelred, preaching the Gospel
of Christ’s love, sanctifies the deepest of friendships without the
inevitability of sexual expression. And that is what Integrity, indeed all
Christian friendship, encourages – not a negation of all sexual activity,
but the promotion of a variety of genuine friendships among all people, male
and female of all sexual orientations. To be sure, some friendships may develop
into a covenanted bond, a marital union, but this is certainly not essential to
all authentic friendships.
May I
add parenthetically here that our final hymn today “I sing a song of the
saints of God” was selected in honor of St. Aelred and of you and me. A
touch of humor will be found by some, and that’s fine. Our Lord will smile
with us!
My fellow
worshippers, the ethical dimension of life is not an exact science.
Furthermore, we cannot access God's Mind for divine solutions through the
Internet. Rather, morality is an art. In his demanding Summary of the
Law Christ has provided us with the colors, the brush, and the canvas. In
doing the right thing, painting the right picture, we may have more options
than we imagine. However, as we engage in moral explorations and propose
workable solutions, inspired by Saints such as Aelred, we should not become
overconfident that we have ever reached the last word. I suspect that in
all matters Jesus would offer challenges that would jolt us, humble us, guide
us, and grace us to keep the pilgrimage advancing, during this, our journey
toward the Kingdom of God.